I don’t like writing with a hurt ego. this is the fourth attempt and I’m hoping I can finish the post without deleting it this time.
Despite my initial reluctance to leave this as a public blog it was fairly easy until I decided to share it with people I know. I knew that I would be challenged to step back and look at this experience from an outsider’s point of view. I also knew that it would attract questions that perhaps I had no answers for and criticism which would sting.
I don’t believe in hiding who I am. When my friends ask me about my dating life I am honest. Whilst I’m sure some of my adventures are a great source of entertainment for some, most are concerned about my sometimes unconventional choice in men and types of relationships I feel comfortable with.
Some comments are so brutal I feel like I have been slapped in the face. I lay awake going over them in my head and feeling that somehow I had missed something. My ego was bruised and I needed to get past it in order to gain perspective.
I come from a conservative society, being different in any way puts you in a category of people that others are uncomfortable with. I also see that they are afraid mostly that I will get hurt or that I fall so deep into the rabbit hole I may never come back to what is considered by most as normality. So really they measure behaviour according to their own definitions of normality.
Perhaps it was fear of the unknown or the incomprehensible. Difficult topics such as polyamory, being single but having more than one lover, being submissive, exploring being a little etc. aren’t welcome topics for most people, I understand this. I also can explain away most of the behaviour/comments as a result of shock and preconceptions that such situations should be avoided in order to be normal and safe.
Some view this as a new low for me (apparently becoming single when everyone is getting married and having children was the bottom and now I’m only digging further down). A common remark being “do you want this??” easily translated to “HOW could you want this?” I now stand here naked in front of these people as I give them permission to throw their metaphorical stones at me. In any case I feel better being myself than feeling repressed.
There is nothing humiliating about exploring being a little. I don’t feel that I have to do anything I don’t want to do.
Many of the relationships around me follow dominant/submissive patterns but the individuals don’t identify with these labels. The label for me isn’t necessarily important.
What’s more important is that I am at peace with myself. I don’t need other people’s approval to be who I am.