real life experience

polyamory – research part 1

Last night I had a thought that maybe I  wasn’t much wiser on the topic of polyamory than when I consciously decided to get involved with daddy keeping in mind I knew right from the start that he had two girl friends. I only knew enough to make me comfortable with how I felt about him and how the relationship was going. With time and as I become more involved I lost all reservations about the label whilst this is great, this does come with a somewhat flaw. I associate the label  with my relationships situation and forget that for other people it may mean different things.

I’d been naive and now I see it. I guess the penny dropped when I decided to put polyamory into youtube and it came up with an american tv programme that had A LOT of new terms I didn’t know in it and also a lot of different types of relationships and different issues I had never thought about.

I’ve split the post because it’s a long one.

The Triad

a. the relationship 

The triad included a man and a woman legally married with a live-in girlfriend, the wife stated that the couple were a primary couple and the girlfriend has a relationship with them both.

b. the advantages

Well there seemed to be a lot of action in the bedroom, it seemed like good fun to me. I could see that they cared about each other and there was lots of activity going on between them which I thought was nice.

c. the issues

It struck me that there was some jealousy maybe caused by the wife’s lack of time to spend with the couple and felt left out because she didn’t have time alone with the husband. She seemed a little heartbroken and that made me feel bad. She also said that she felt that the man and the girlfriend’s relationship was more important than the relationship she had with the man.

My thoughts

If your starting point is as a primary or secondary…. or some other ranking type label then isn’t this perhaps part of the cause for people to feel less important?

As a primary you feel that you have a more important relationship than a secondary?

If you love the person and want them to want to be in your life (in this case living together) would you want them to feel anything less than an equal in a three part relationship?

I don’t know what it is like to be in this kind of relationship so these are only thoughts that came to me while watching the programme.

It made me think about my relationships. Would it be right to rank them? Give someone a veto on who else I date? I feel that it wouldn’t be right, it feels somehow possessive to want to control who I love or interact with.

My only concern is that they are happy, even if that means I am sometimes secondary to other things/people going on in their life but I wouldn’t be able to give up my freedom to love/interact with others, for me this is what love is about, not to possess but to cherish.


4 thoughts on “polyamory – research part 1

  1. Personally not a fan of the “primary” and “secondary” labels, they unintentionally suggest importance, which is often not the case.
    Also beware of the concept of “couple privilege”, it can easily be misunderstood too


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