As we share stories from our time apart we talk about sex/intimacy with others. We both have stories to share, it feels like a little ritual almost. It’s in a comfort space were we can share this with each other.
I can sense that Daddy chooses his words carefully perhaps mindful that this may be a delicate subject, he asks me if I mind if he talks about this topic first whereas sometimes I get into it head first focusing mostly not about the event itself but how I felt about it. How careless I had been when I was sharing, I didn’t once think perhaps Daddy doesn’t want to hear this now or needs reminding of how special he was to me. He gives the facts and waits for me to ask questions if I have any. I don’t feel the need for many questions and I’m mindful not to pry.
I don’t mind listening to Daddy telling me about being intimate with others providing he is happy I am happy for him. I also understand because I feel it too the need for connection with others. Even just cuddling with someone can be a rewarding experience.
After the conversation I digest what has been said, when he casually hints at having sex in a particular spot previously mentioned in the previous conversation I felt a little pang of disappointment. He wanted to have sex here, where he’d had sex with her? Before I knew it I asked “Why? Are you starting a collection?” as soon as I had said it I realised how petty it was, we’ve had sex in plenty same places where we both had slept with others what had I been thinking? Daddy jokingly agreed and moved on to another topic.
When he asked me later if I minded him talking about sex with others I knew it was because of that silly insecure thought. I explained that I wanted to feel special and not one of many and he said gently holding my hand “You’re already special.” I needed reminding.
I realised that my comment had made him feel insecure about sharing with me and I hadn’t considered this before I’d made the comment, a knee jerk reaction to feeling insecure myself.
Polyamory isn’t about being one of many or few or even about being the only one, it is not about comparison or collections it’s so much more, it’s about unbinding and unfettered loving and being loved. I feel loved and I feel loving but like everyone else every now and then I needed reminding that relationships and people shouldn’t be taken for granted.