I am able to a certain extent to step out of the spotlight where overwhelming emotions thrive and into a more calm spot. I am no longer escaping the emotion, I am now feeling responsible for it, I own it, brave enough to stand for the consequences of revealing it and strong yet vulnerable enough to let it in.
I am not used to talking about how I feel especially if for some reason I think it shows weakness. I was brought up to cry at night with the lights out so no one knew about it, if you cried you were told to cut it out in no uncertain terms you were being a nuisance. Weakness = shame = you’re not good enough… no real wonder why emotional literacy isn’t exactly top of my best qualities. In any case I am now learning to slowly try and identify why I feel what I feel and whether the feeling is caused by an outer or inner source also I put space between the emotion and the action.
I’ve had to stop and start working on this post a few times because I simply don’t feel confident enough to finish it in way way that I would like to. I’d like to be better equipped to deal with emotions and not feel like I’m fighting myself to process them but it seems to be an ongoing battle to unlearn the unhealthy lessons of the past. At least now I cry with the lights on.