dd/lg topics · real life experience

I’m back… or sort of

The blog is back in the public view, I did need the break. I have a lot to write about the last couple of months have been so hectic.

My last visit to Daddy was at the beginning of November and since I’ve been back I’ve been overwhelmed with project work, plans to get the dogs from Malta to Spain and escape plans. I wrote a letter to daddy, it had been a while, maybe because I noticed on my visits they are only gathering dust and not cherished and I’d put quite a lot of effort into them I felt a little hurt even though I hadn’t said anything to him. I had also not managed to go horse riding – and that’s the second time I wasn’t able to and I was quite unhappy about that too.

We talked about the letters, I asked him if he had noticed that I hadn’t written , he did and also he knew why I hadn’t written before I had said anything. I try very hard not to repeat past mistakes. I recognise that managing my own expectations is very important, together with understanding why I write to him. Now he knows that I was a little taken aback by how he was keeping them. He did say he’d like to hang them up whether or not he will really do that I don’t know. The last letter sent was full of hope.

I’ve been good mostly, only a little sad that Daddy doesn’t have much time for me also and our busy lives get in the way. I sometimes feel neglected. He tries to reassure me as best he can but I feel sometimes that he copes better than me at being apart and has enough visitors/sex partners visiting to completely forget about missing me most of the time – here goes my ‘he’s forgotten all about me’ insecurity – I’m trying not to let this get to me He feels that visiting me is not an option at the moment because he is too busy with the project – I get it – I’m busy too but I feel so compelled by my want to be with him that I make it happen, I try to find spots where I can visit as often as possible despite how exhausted or stressed I feel from the trip/work that follows.

Here’s one lesson I’ve learned from past mistakes – I will never ask him or insist he does anything for me. If he doesn’t feel compelled then I cannot make him feel that, no matter what I do. And so be it then. Status quo. I either keep going as I have been because I want to or give up the relationship.

Yesterday the house was so packed that there was nowhere else to do the call apart from a living room full of people. Perhaps in a way that’s good because I was upset and frustrated and had I been alone with him on the phone I’d have been crying. Funny how maintaining a brave face becomes a skill when surrounded by people. In any case I was happy that he’d listened to me and gave me some advice. I needed him to listen to me mostly. I really need to work on creating a better support system for myself.

I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted after I’d spoken to him. I want to  plan my next trip but only after hearing what K has to say about transporting the dogs. So again I have to wait. At least a few more weeks. In any case I’d like to go home to see my new nephew.

I’m not feeling very happy at the moment, I feel stuck and unable to keep my expectations in check. I remind myself – I am the only one responsible for my happiness. So taking responsibility starts here. No more moping.

Big girl talk from a little girl.

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