real life experience

the ugly face of anger

The last month or so I’ve been working on slowly edging to a place where I feel comfortable enough to let go of my fear and perhaps take the leap to have a better quality of life. Be able to dedicate time to what I love to do and be able to still support myself financially.

I wanted to share my plans with M and reassure him that this didn’t change our relationship, it turns out he didn’t take it that well. He compares himself to Daddy and thinks he falls short, he felt jealous and rejected, he felt that he’d been tricked in falling in love with me only so that I could leave him. Worse of all he didn’t tell me. Instead, he exploded into a tantrum and threw me out in a rage.

My feelings range from stunned to shame and grieving. I am hurt and my ego has taken a bruising – I’ve never been thrown out of anywhere before. I was confused and couldn’t understand what the problem was, everything that he said was simply illogical and petty.

He apologised, then he blamed me for it, then he apologised again, and then he made me feel guilty. How can we ever go back after this? With a broken heart I asked to go back to being friends, he fought it until I asked him to either respect my decision or let me know and we can both move on. At the moment he wants to save the relationship claiming the only issue to be his anger and that it’s his responsibility to fix that.

How many times had I heard and seen this before?

Not from M but from others and my friend’s relationships and thought to myself why would anyone accept to be treated this way and go back to it for one more chance. Well here’s why. It’s hard to let go, I see the hurt child in him and feel that by ending the relationship I am failing and being selfish. I just feel that I can’t take the risk, self preservation and self respect are more important. He finally agreed to being friends.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s