Amidst all the preparations to leave Spain I look at what’s left here and wonder what my new life will look like. If you’d told me a few years ago I’d be moving away from a career in finance, left K and fallen in love over and over again with strangers and start a DD/LG distance relationship. I’d probably have laughed. Never. It seems that I’ve evolved into a different creature completely. Challenged many preconceived ideas along the way and yet still I feel as naive as when I started on many other topics.
Life in Spain has treated me well with many solo adventures and many new both lasting and fleeting friendships. Many a times self-assured happy alone time and loneliness took turns to keep me company and I wonder now whether I’d have enough time to myself in my new life. Shhhh… niggling doubts.
Since I have to wait and the waiting is exacerbating my anxiety, I’ve been leaning a little much on Daddy to keep me reassured that all is well, I am loved and wanted so this weekend I took a step back to have more perspective and allow for space. I went on with the stuff I have to do and allowed myself to feel all the range of emotions that this change is facing me with. I survived.
It sounds trivial to say that but actually anxiety makes you feel that you might not make it. Sat on the beach in the sun I was fine until my mind started dwelling on the size of the waves and what it would feel like to be swallowed up by the sea. I break that spell by standing up making the waves look smaller and walking towards a spot of lunch.
Where was the little gone? She was there all along. Only perhaps there was no need for Daddy to necessarily be there for reassurance, the child in each of us relies on the adult and logical part of our personality to cope with stress and in this case I held that part of myself until she felt reassured even when she yearned for a spanking.