17 days until my flight home to daddy.
I can’t wait to go home, now all the doubts put to bed I feel that I went through the seven stages of grief as I mourned my old ending life and accepted my choice to embark on this new adventure. I’m not new to new starts after all. Every time I evolve into something new in some new place surround myself with a new reality. I find that my fear increased with age, perhaps youth has reckless abandon built into it somehow. Or it could be that I’ve become more cautious (my mother would disagree she says I’m as reckless as ever the age making the changes riskier and riskier *sighs in despair*) but what seems random and reckless to others has been agonised over for months trying to sum up the courage to act. And so here we are.
In the meantime, I’ve taken care of my stress by spending the weekend in beautiful Orgiva where I seem to fall in love over and over with the place, raw and dusty as it may be with it’s roaring river with friendly goats, people, horses and dogs. Many dogs and a lovely rescued donkey. Falling in love with a stranger as he plays the guitar in a impromptu jam session with others I feel myself drawn to him but I have people to talk to and only manage to sit next to him as we talk about siblings he says he’s been reared by women and when I asked what that was like he says looking me in the eye “I feel like a woman sometimes” I can feel tenderness for him and want to kiss him but as soon as I had that thought my friend comes to fetch me to continue working on the hexayurt so just as quickly as I’d fallen in love off I had to walk away and he went back to his shelter on the mountain to his girlfriend or to quote him ” I don’t know if she’s my girl friend”.
This is a place that draws me in over and over again. I know that I will be back. I have 2 more weekends before I leave and I want to come back and bid it farewell. I will miss it but I know I will be back. Someday.
It’s marked a space away from M and the relationship has turned distant as I no longer drive it with enabling behaviour and without much interest to pursue it from the other end I think it found a natural end. It is sad but not traumatic and for that I am grateful. I kiss him goodbye not know whether I’ll see him again.
It’s not lost on me that Daddy is at the moment my only and my most intense relationship and I try to keep that into perspective, my needs into check and my eyes wide open to not let my communication be driven by boredom or neediness or loneliness. I am eternally self critical. I must not be a burden, I can hear his voice say to me “You don’t give yourself a chance of being a burden”. Despite his reassurance that we are there for each other, I seek not to lean excessively on him. Time is finite and there are many things to be done, people to talk to. I am not the only relationship on his plate. Monopolising his attention isn’t the answer to happiness or security, quality time is. Leaving time to take care of himself and his other relationships makes our relationship stronger and happier. Bar the odd time when there’s a crisis I neither want nor need 100% of his time and attention.
I don’t want Daddy to be my crutch I want to be his equal, I want my life to be rich with experiences that are not necessarily linked to Daddy. Preserving my independence is important to me.
So this little smoothes her skirt and sits on the edge of the bed. 17 days is nothing. I can definitely do this and make Daddy proud, I’m already proud of myself.