I must have started typing this ten times already I don’t know where to start. If you’ve read the previous post you’ll understand perhaps why I feel so anxious. I battle with myself to regain some sort of balance and deal with this new reality I talked myself into.
I feel sick. Everything was fine until I no longer knew what and who I was here. Looking at their relaxed posture on the sofa made me feel like my skin had ripped open and my guts had fallen out on the carpet. After 3 days I still feel like I’m missing pieces of it.
How did I feel? Terrible. I spent a sleepless night with music in my headphones to make sure I couldn’t hear anything, I cursed myself and listed all my flaws, this was my fault, I deserved this rejection, I wished the mattress would swallow me into oblivion. At yet somehow I survived and now I face this wall and I have no idea how to climb it. My usual coping mechanisms only save me from causing 3rd party damage. Rationalisation is strong but emotions are like the thunderstorm that ripped off a cathedral from the face of the earth. This is harder than I thought it would be. The nasty voice inside my head calls me an idiot…. see…. I told you this would all end in tears, spare wheel, mid-week whore…. I try to shut it out.
Daddy knocks at my door the day after all smiles and I feel like he’s trampling all over my intestines, he tries to make me smile but my instinct is to push him away, I resist, I feel hurt and I feel the need to defend myself. There’s nothing to be hurt about, this is within the terms of this relationship. Then wtf was I making a fuss about? This had changed nothing. This was always going on the only difference is that now I could see it. All that yearning to be here and now I’m here with my guts on the floor, well done. I try to silence the voice.
I don’t want to admit to jealousy, the dirty word, I hate it and yet he says to me it’s obvious… pointing at the guts on the floor… this is it… that’s what it looks like. Now I feel a failure. I’m supposed to be an adult for god sake.