It’s been tough or at least it feels like it. Living in a community can mean that there is little personal space. Living with Daddy also has its ups and downs. My room is next door to his with his desk barring the interconnecting door. It’s a little fun tunnel to go under when I want to get to the other side.
I’m still having problems with jealousy. The last time Daddy was with someone else I could not contain my hurt, it spilled out of me in all forms of anxiety manifestation that I’d ever experienced. But most of all it hurt. It hurt not only for that moment but for the knowledge that this is going to happen over and over again. I didn’t ask him not to but I wished it, with everything I had in me I wished he would choose me, every night he stayed up with someone else I felt betrayed and insulted, angry. I beat myself up for being in this situation. I did this to myself. I chose it.
A couple of weeks later and I am still suffering and have an impending sense of dread. I feel that I cannot go through this again and yet here I still am trying to figure out healthy coping mechanisms to deal with this before I throw in the towel and give up. It was easier when I couldn’t see it.
At the moment I feel that I have to put up a barrier to protect myself from this hurt. Push him away so he cannot hurt me, I struggle to let him close to me so he can try to comfort me. I thought about moving to another room. I don’t really know if it makes a difference or if it will make things worse.
K asked me why do I do this to myself, why sleep next door when he’s with someone else, why choose to suffer…. I believe that it is possible to love more than one person at a time. I know this because I feel it too. I don’t have any more answers at this moment of difficulty the only answer I can manage but do not want to state is that it is because I am stupid. That’s how I feel. I tried to push the emotion away because it is too hard to face it. Rationalization screams at me, he is not yours, people cannot be possessed, he loves you, nothing changes, everything is fine…. I am overcome with emotions and paralysed, everything is not fine. I am scared of this hurt that seems an inevitable outcome. I don’t know what else to do except to try and continue functioning and least on a basic level, eat, sleep… try to sleep. Keep working on different approaches to cope with it and see what happens next.
In any case this is not a good time for a little and more for the adult to take over.