It has been a while. This is what has been going on.
I decided that in order to keep my space separate I need a room that is not interconnected with daddy’s. Changing rooms doesn’t mean we are far away from each other only that there is more space and privacy when it is needed. This came after a serious crisis where daddy was sleeping with someone staying here. I was not happy with how I dealt with it, I felt that I had fallen to terrible lows with my behavior in my eyes if anyone would have done that to me I would certainly not be so patient with them and I certainly felt that I could not overcome it to the point where I questioned whether this kind of relationship was for me after all, it called into question my motivation to keep this relationship going despite the intense pain it was causing me. I was drained, at one point I was on the verge of leaving, I decided not to. When I told him I wanted to go to the city for a few days I saw uncertainty, fear. He asked me whether I wanted to and I said no. It was the truth. I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything but I needed some answers. He asks me whether I want to replace him with K and I say no. I am in love with daddy, being in love with K doesn’t change what I feel for him. He asks me if I will come back and I say yes.
The city break came with its own challenges, I was quizzed by my crush on the validity of mine and daddy’s relationship, whether I was pursuing him because I was bored with sex with daddy, what are my intentions here, why am I so jealous and yet confess that I love another… difficult questions. He tells me he doesn’t want this, he couldn’t deal with it and yet he holds me close in his arms and I love him, when he kisses me I nearly pass out, how long had I waited for this. How do I reassure him, when I am so conflicted with my own choices how can I ask someone who already has doubts to trust me not to break his heart.
He doesn’t want it and yet he caresses me and holds me close as he sleeps. When I have to leave he tells me I should stay longer, mixed signals. And so it started this friendship with my crush, he says no and behaves yes at least sometimes. I feel that sometimes he tests me, he indirectly asks me to choose him when it requires either a sacrifice or going against what I would like to do at that moment. Perhaps that is what is needed to reassure him, I don’t know, he doesn’t ask me directly. I wish he would ask me directly.
In the meantime me and daddy are back in a good spot, trying to deal with things as they come along, generally getting on well and settling down into everyday life. Let’s see what the festival at the weekend brings us…