A likes ropes, so last Christmas I bought him some as a gift, red and back his favourite colours.
I realised the first time he tried them on me that I do not like to be restricted, my mind starts to race into different scenarios were I would be abused. The feeling is strong and overwhelming.
It comes to me as a shock especially after having been on stage twice as a rope bunny without issues. Of course I realise the difference here, I had no fear or being abused on stage, in each case I had someone there who would remove me from any dangerous situation. Someone who was not the ropemaster.
This time it was different, I was alone. I felt it too, this helplessness. All the warm and fuzzy feelings went out of the window in the cold and dark panic. I try to comfort myself, “he does not want to hurt you”. A is very gentle, he explains how the knots work, that they do not restrict blood flow, that they do not tighten on the wrists and ankles, he shows my how I can take them off by myself if I want to…I am petrified just the same.
So big is my frustration towards my pathetic self that I am ready to burst into tears as I slip my wrists out of the hold. Why did I do this to myself. It is some harmless rope play. Apparently I have issues.
A is very patient, if he was disappointed he was sure not to be too obvious about it. The ropes lay on the side of the bed. Perhaps we need to build some trust before trying again.
littlepinkcorner 